


If Shane Madej was an SCP

by extremelyperturbed



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28409538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extremelyperturbed/pseuds/extremelyperturbed
Summary: An off the cuff ficlet where Shane meets various other SCPs.  Not meant to be canon in any way, shape or form.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	If Shane Madej was an SCP

Item #: SCP-XXXXX

Object Class: Keter, possibly Thaumiel

Special Containment Procedures: Currently not contained. MTF (mobile task force) Team Epsilon-6 aka "Village Idiots" are assigned to surveillance of the entity as he lives in a suburb near a large metropolis in California with the help of MTF Iota-10 aka "Damn Feds." 

Description: SCP-XXXXX appears to be a Caucasian human male that is approximately two meters in height. His apparent age is early 30s. He currently works for a Youtube channel called Watcher, whose observed output has been non-anomalous as of this date. 

Discovery: He was discovered through the discovery of a SCP-XXXXX-1, an anomalous blue hand puppet that is currently held in Minimal Security Site 17. 

Testimony of SCP-XXXXX-1: It insists that it was formerly a human from the Middle East who had acquired a container that held SCP-XXXXX that he called a genie sometime during the Bronze Age. For freeing the genie, he was offered three wishes. However, the genie is said to have twisted the meaning of his wishes. Instead of being an immortal human who could travel where he pleased and would never suffer want or need, he was turned into a puppet that would never wear out and subsisted on whatever sweetmeats his anomalous bag would provide. 

SCP-XXXXX has denied that SCP-XXXXX-1's account is in any way accurate though he was asked why he ignored the fact that his hand puppet exhibited anomalous properties. He said, "I thought it was cool."

Incident #XXXXX-01: 

After being taken to Minimal Security Site 17, SCP-XXXXX managed to walk away from his guards and visit SCP-343, an anomaly that has been dubbed "God" due to its claim to be creator of the universe. The manner that SCP-XXXXX treats SCP-343 was familiar with him greeting him with "What's up, God" and then giving him a wink. SCP-343 seemed a little unnerved but after SCP-XXXXX presented him with a six-pack of beer and a bag of hamburgers from Culver's, a fast food chain located mostly in the Midwest, they sat down and had what appeared to be a long amiable chat. The food and beverages were not with SCP-XXXXX when he had been escorted to the site. Much of their conversation was unrecorded but as SCP-XXXXX left SCP-343's containment cell, he said that SCP-343 "has a sweet set-up." 

Incident #XXXXX-02: 

SCP-XXXXX asked to talk with SCP-035, a mask with mind-bending powers. Upon hearing about SCP-XXXXX's request, the mask in question began demanding that he be kept far, far away from SCP-XXXXX. The current researcher, Dr. Bing, found this strange and asked SCP-035 why, considering it usually liked having company and the chance of talking someone into being a host. SCP-035's expression turned into tragedy form and said that SCP-XXXXX was dangerous to him. Dr. Bing asked SCP-035 if he had previously met SCP-XXXXX in the distant past. SCP-035's responses were both vague and evasive. This was unusual considering he felt free to share information about other SCPs. Dr. Bing decided that being threatened with SCP-XXXXX might be a way of curbing its devious behavior. 

Incident #XXXXX-03:

Due to the recommendation of Dr. Bing and the subsequent approval from the 05 Council, SCP-XXXXX was allowed to work with MTF Mu-13 aka "Ghostbusters" to investigate a possible SCP called "Goatman."  
The "Ghostbusters" and SCP-XXXXX went to the Old Alton Bridge in Texas that is no longer used for vehicle traffic though still open for pedestrian crossing. After diverting curiosity seekers and cultists for the night by posting signs that it was currently being repaired, SCP-XXXXX agreed to lure out the Goatman being for capture by the MTF. After the "Ghostbusters" drew an array around the bridge per SCP-XXXXX's instructions. 

SCP-XXXXX knocked three times on the bridge and tried summoning it that way. When there was no response, SCP-XXXXX began cursing the Goatman in various languages and began waving his arms as if they were boneless. An invisible being threw one of the mobile task force over the railing before SCP-XXXXX activated the array and trapped the being so it could not escape the bridge. SCP-XXXXX flailed his limbs some more and a strange goat-human hybrid appeared. The creature was then subdued by the "Ghostbusters" and taken for examination. 

Incident #XXXXX-04:

With MTF Team Epsilon-6 "Village Idiots," SCP-XXXXX went to the Point Pleasant area in West Virginia, pretending to be tourists going into the woods looking for the cryptid. Around midnight, SCP-XXXXX put his hands to his mouth and made a bizarre sound that sounded a bit like a dolphin being smothered or a balloon being rubbed. He also suggested that the team turn on a klieg light that would be sure to attract it.  
Various members of the MTF Team were rather dubious about this plan but did as he requested. After several more utterances by SCP-XXXXX, a large being that only had a slight resemblance to the statue in the town square flew and began circling the bright light. 

Incident #XXXXX-05

Dr. Bright requested that SCP-XXXXX be sent to the testing room containing SCP-682, a large sentient reptile with a hatred for all life that is only matched by its regenerative abilities. Once SCP-XXXXX was inside the chamber, SCP-682 tried to swallow him whole only to spit him out while yelling, "The flavor is disgusting!" and began retching in a corner. SCP-XXXXX calmly walked out of the room.

**Author's Note:**

> My main exposure to the SCP fandom is usually through videos made regarding the various SCPs on Youtube. 
> 
> http://www.scpwiki.com/object-classes#toc3 Keter doesn't automatically mean dangerous, just hard as hell to contain  
> http://www.scpwiki.com/object-classes#toc4 Thaumiel means an SCP that can be used to contain other SCPs
> 
> http://www.scpwiki.com/task-forces-complete-list has the complete list of mobile task forces
> 
> MTF Epsilon-6 (Village Idiots) take care of incidents in rural and suburban environments
> 
> MTF Iota-10 (Damn Feds) "Maintains undercover operatives in various international, federal, and provincial law enforcement agencies and specializes in facilitating the transfer of anomalous evidence and objects into Foundation control as well as the transfer of jurisdiction over anomalous event locations from local law enforcement to Foundation containment and response teams."
> 
> MTF Mu-13 (Ghostbusters) "Specializes in the tracking, analysis, and containment of incorporeal or intangible manifestations and entities, particularly those believed to be sentient, sapient, or otherwise intelligent and adaptive."
> 
> http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-343 describes SCP 343, what appears to be a man whose appearance changes with who views him and is a reality bender who claims to be "God."
> 
> http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-035 is a porcelain comedy mask that can change to tragedy form at times who is very capable of playing mind games to manipulate people, also excretes a nasty toxic liquid
> 
> http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-682 is the unkillable reptile that the Foundation has a boner for wanting it destroyed.
> 
> The fast food restaurant reference is from this video: https://youtu.be/36oRiPAn4Tw?t=435


End file.
